Staying In The kNOw

I don’t know what to do to make you understand.

The lies you told, the things you said.

You can never take back or undo what’s been done.

I will never forget and if I ever forgive, it will be for me, not you.

I can never forget you, that is true.

But there will be a time when I look back without such pain.

They say everything happens for a reason.

I’m just waiting for the day I see the reason for this.

I wonder if I should write you, explain everything and how I feel.

But then I remember I have done that far too many times.

It didn’t work then so, why would it now?

Why waste the time on you.

Why put myself there, where I could keep talking to you.

I don’t want to go there again, where I think you have changed.

Let you in just to be hurt.

I know myself all to well.

“I’ll just send this and tell him how I feel and to leave me alone, wait for the reply and be done for good this time”

It never works that way.

You always know the way to get me to keep talking to you.

I don’t want to give you that anymore.  

I need to learn from the past and not let myself go back to you again.

No more chances, no more “maybe this time he has  gotten it and changed”

I’ve been there to many times.

I hope to someday look back and think, “I thought that would never end, but it did, and I’m so glad it did”

I haven’t written anything on here in a while and today wasn’t a very good day so I guess it’s a good day for a write.

As most people know I am a type ONE diabetic, I put the one in caps because I don’t want to be confused with type two as it is not the same at all and I’m sick of people thinking it is. I didn’t get it from not eating right, or any of that its just from my body not making insulin no longer, a lot of very skinny people have it even so yeah.

Anyways, I just moved out of Freshell, ops I mean Fresno the end of May I believe it was. Some how even with my mom being as on top of all the medical stuff as she always is,  she’s that way because she knows what she’s doing when it comes to dealing with medical stuff because of my brothers and I have all been in ICU at one point. My older brother has health issues, I have type one and my little brother has had his blood sugar drop really low and such, (hopefully my sister will be greatly healthy and never have issues like that). Still some how our coverage got messed up when we moved and she has been dealing with trying to get it fixed since like late last week. Its government medical because we haven’t been able to afford the cost of anything else recently. I am on her stuff because I am under 21 still. So with it being messed up it meant we had to pay for meds out of pocket a few times because I need insulin to be able to live, we ended up getting reimbursed though at least. But with the medi-cal I also have something called CCS and its something for people under 21 with major illnesses that don’t have the money for the stuff. That also I guess got messed up and now I think its fixed but I ended up not getting some of my supplies in the time before the prescription expired or something so they needed the doctor to approve it. I don’t have a new doctor here yet because of the insurance mess so they had faxed it to my doctor down in Fresno. She is pretty much a bitch, I’ve never really liked her she had told me how cake decorating (what I want to do for a living) is not a real job and all kinds of things. But I kept going to her because she knew about type one diabetes and has it herself. Well now I find out she’s a huge bitch, she denied the stuff! She knows I need it to live and she does that? why? I don’t know it takes her just as much time to put deny as approve.  I’m not asking for fucking hardcore drugs or anything its just SUPPLIES FOR MY INSULIN PUMP THAT I NEED TO LIVE! I get it that I moved and I would have a doctor here to do the stuff but I don’t yet because of insurance. Its really nothing I did, I mean she could have even at least called and told us “hey I’m not going to do this you need to find someone else” or something so we would at least KNOW. Or even “hey if you want it you need to come in” Yes it would have been a bitch move still but deny it and say nothing? Wtf? Then when my mom called her she says “I guess I can do it one more month” and was a total bitch even after my mom explained the whole thing with the coverage being mesed up. She says how “that’s why you need to be responsible” or some shit and how ”and then theres people like you that get it all covered for free” its like really lady? some people don’t have the money to pay for good insurance! Sometimes people need help because they aren’t DOCTORS, they don’t have money for everything always. Also maybe free but its not like you just get it by asking. My mom had to do a lot to get it and deal with a lot to get it. I can’t believe this lady works with diabetic KIDS for a living and acts so bitchy. Also she is a type one diabetic herself so she knows how hard it is, or I would think so anyways. I feel like because she thinks she can she treats people bad, is rude and says things about jobs they want and things that really is nothing to do with her. I have news for her, being a doctor doesn’t make you a god or better than ANYONE else. Its not ok to treat people that way and I hope she takes a good look at things she does and says one day. She said things to my mom about how lucky we are to get the coverage we have because its free, well bitch you’re lucky because you have the money you need to live and get good benefits so that’s why you don’t get it free. Just because its free doesn’t make it good either, it sucks to deal with everything getting fucked up all the time because the people don’t know what their doing half the time. So shut up about it, some people need some help, I’m 20 years old, how am I going to get the money to pay for all the things I need to live? I have to deal with life as a type one diabetic why should I have to be having to pay a shit ton of money because of that? I didn’t want to have this and its bad enough I have to live with it I don’t need money worries or the worries I won’t get my meds on top of that. OR people like you.

I hate that I have to deal with this illness, doctors that don’t know what their doing or are mean, paying a ton to stay alive and everything else for the rest of my life. It is really not fair and I hate it, but I guess the only thing I can do is hope to be able to afford good medical soon.

On another note I signed up for cake decorating classes the other day and they start in Sep. Hopefully they will teach me a lot and be fun! I want to be able to be supper good at cake decorating and get a job doing it! 

I feel like such a dumb girl, I keep saying and writing things saying how it’s the last time and I’m done. Why do you always find a way to make me give you more chances? I think its because I feel like I can’t find anyone else, that you are the one for me and whatever else. But I don’t think love and all that should be this stressful and upsetting.

I don’t think I would ever be able to be with you, because I would always have in the back of my mind the things you have said and done in the past. Always would be wondering when you were going to hurt me again. When you’d say something hurtful or when you’d break my heart again. I don’t want to live life wondering when someone is going to break up with me again or when they’re going to make more dumb mistakes. Or when things will end up like before. I don’t want to be with someone I’ve given so many chances to and still I feel hasn’t changed.

 I hate that I feel bad for you and that I even slightly believe you when you say you will do anything to fix things with us. I know and remember you have said those things before and always it doesn’t work out. I don’t think I can ever forget all you have said and done and I don’t think I can ever let myself be with you again.

I am mad at myself I have given you all the chances I have. You need to let me go and move on, just like I need to let you go. I have told you now over and over I just can’t be with you, I’m done and I will never be able to get out of the back of my mind all that’s happened. Still you don’t get it, you want another chance. I don’t think you know how to be with someone, and I can’t fix that or help with that. You need to fix it yourself. I hope you learn from your mistakes and leave me alone now. I want to be able to find someone who can treat me well and who can love me and never hurt me. I want to love someone who is good for me and who won’t let me down, hurt me or stress me out.

 I wish I could just forget about you and not be hurt anymore and upset by you. I want to live my life not thinking about you ever. I want to find someone else to love and to love me, someone who treats me well and will never let things happen like you did. I can’t keep doing the same things; I can’t ever talk to you again. Hopefully you will stop and not make any more facebooks, because I have blocked all the ones you have made to talk to me. I have also made it so only friends can message me so you’d have to add me before saying anything. I hope I realize before you are even able to say anything it’s you and I hope I have learned not to ever talk to you or have anything to do with you.

I can’t move past all this until I am able to keep you out of my life. I thought I had done that before but you made new facebooks to talk to me. Now hopefully you can’t get me that way because hopefully the way I have it set you can’t message me unless I add you, hopefully I will be able to till its you and not add you. I want to be past all this and have it all be in my past, I want to have it be something that isn’t a big deal to me anymore, something that just kinda fades away. I want to just remember it to not do the same things and that’s all. I want this to be done and over this for good.

You are never going to read this and I am only writing it for myself to get what I need to out and for any one I know to read if they want to. But I am still going to say this to you. Thank you for the good times we had, I thought I loved before you but I think you were my 1^st real love. But now its all done and over. I don’t thank you for the pain you made me feel, the tears or the stress. I hope you learned from what you did how to treat people. Goodbye Tyler, for good this time. 

I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I’ve been hurt, but I’m alive. I’m human, I’m not perfect, but I’m thankful.

So on Wednesday night after The kNOw meeting I was helping move and I dropped a big computer tower on my foot. Long story short (because this isn’t about that) I ended up breaking the top of my big right toe and cutting it (laceration), got some stitches and stuff and now I have to wait for it to get better and go see a doctor sometime soon.

Anyways my mom, little brother, sister and I moved to the Sacramento area on Thursday. There are a few reasons why we moved, my mom feels like she will be able to get a job easier here, she knows more people there and she was very unhappy in Fresno. I was born in Sacramento and am excited to be moved back. We found a place that is supper nice, has nice parks around, and even a dog park down the street (we all know how much I love my dog : ) Also Sacramento has bike trails that are really nice and I just got a bike not to long ago, so it would be nice to use it and get good exercise… when my foots better haha.

With all that being said my last day at The kNOw was on Wednesday. I am happy to be moved out of Fresno, but at the same time very sad to be leaving everyone at The kNOw. I have been part of The kNOw for almost a year now (started last August). I’ve been going to meetings every week, I’ve been to almost all of them (I think I missed like 3) so it will be weird not going anymore. I have learned so much, been able to write one (and working on two) articles, some things on the website, be in one of the valley story tellers plays, be more comfortable reading out loud, and so much more because of The kNOw.

I have met some very amazing people and gotten a chance to work with them and get to know/ become friends with them because of The kNOw. I would have never met so many of the great people that are now a part of my life if it wasn’t for The kNOw. I feel like I have gotten a second family, I can share things with all you guys, laugh with you guys, cry with you guys, work with you guys and just play games with you guys. I will never forget any of the members of The kNOw I have met, including the ones I have met that aren’t in the group anymore. I love all of you guys and I thank you guys so much for all the great times I have had with you, I hope we keep in touch and keep being good friends. All of you are great people who have great personalities and talents. I know all of you will go far in life and I hope all of you can be happy because all of you deserve to be happy. I am going to miss all of you guys a lot and hope you all will miss me too haha. Thank you all for all the kind words on my last day, it made me happy to hear everything you guys said. I felt very loved and special because of you guys. I loved all the goodbye hugs too (:

Mai Der,

I want to thank you so much for letting me become a member of The kNOw, I have learned a lot, about writing and just life and other people. I feel like without The kNOw this last year would have been a lot worst for me and I would have been very unhappy. You have made The kNOw such a wonderful place for all of us members and you are a great person. Thank you for always understanding and being there to listen to me and help. Thank you for all the nice things you said about me on Wednesday! Most of all thank you for giving me the chance to be in The kNOw. I am going to miss you a lot! I hope you have a wonderful time in New York.

Anna,

You have helped me with pretty much everything I have done for The kNOw, I have enjoyed having you be my editor, you are so easy to work with and understanding when I need help or need to have a different goal. You’re always there to listen to me and help, when my grandpa was sick and everything you seemed to understand what I was dealing with and were there for me. Thank you for all the help you have given me and all you have taught me, I’m going to miss seeing you and working with you lots!  I wish I was able to spend more time with you on Wednesday but I understand you had other things you had to do.

John,

You started about the same time I did, I remember when you showed us the little book of pictures you took and told us how you got to take pictures at Warped tour, I thought that was so cool, because that is what I want to do for a living, take pictures of bands. I never really got to talk to you about all the stuff you have done with bands and photography. But it was cool hearing stories you told all of us. Thank you for the help you have given me even when I didn’t ask, like the websites you wrote down for me to check out for my article and tips you have giving me. Also I want to say thank you so much for all the kind words/ goodbye Wednesday. It meant a lot to me that you said you felt like me opening up helped others open up more. I’m going to miss seeing you!

I am going to miss everyone at The kNOw but hopefully I will be able to visit all of you sometime! Thank you all (present and past members I have met) for the great and life changing times, I love all of you and will miss all of you, please keep in touch! 

Earth’s mightiest heroes or like everyone knows them by “The Avengers”.

It got #1 in the box and it’s one of the most greatest movie of 2012, action packed and comedy as well.

If you got nothing to do this weekend or you got time to spare, I recommend watching The Avengers.

It’s not disappointing, it was great and has many scenes where each character got their own fighting scenes and everyone sycned in.

Although the story took a while for everyone to get together, overrall, every scene amazed me and made me go nuts in my chair with laughter.

The story took place mostly in New York City where the battle to saving the world started.

Their enemy was Loki, brother of Thor. He came out of the blue square box which is a device called the “Tesseract”.

A energy source to use for world domination, is what Loki needed to bring his army from a different dimension.

Loki succeeded in opening the portal to bring out his army and to destroy every human.

The Avengers finally assembled after the death of Agent Phil, an agent from S.H.I.E.L.D.S.

Nick fury inspired them with Agent Phil’s trading card’s that were “supposely” inside his jacket after his death. Turns out they were really in his locker.

Agent Phil died believing that only The Avengers could stop Loki in saving the world.

The council talked to Fury about The Avengers and that he needed to use plan B which were nuclear bombs, what supported these bombs were the energy from the Tesseract.

Two jets were taking off, one got destroyed by Fury and the other managed to escape.

Fury told Ironman by headphones that one of the jet’s were heading their way, so Ironman told him that he was going to take care of it.

As Black Widow was going to close the portal, Ironman told her to not close it since he had an idea. 

That idea was to take the bomb that the jet fired and take it to the other dimension to destroy the enemy headquaters.

Ironman managed to go inside the portal, destroy the enemy’s hideout, his power then shut off and he was slowly falling back to the other side.

The rest of the team thought he was no longer coming back, and Captain America told Black Widow to close the portal. 

As the portal was closing, he managed to get out just in time and he was remaining concious as he was falling.

Next thing you know, Hulk jumps and grabs Ironman just in time before he falls to the ground.

My favorite part was when Hulk slammed Loki like a doll since Loki was rambling a lot and everyone in the theater laugh their butt’s off for at least a good 20 seconds.

Other than Hulk making people laugh, there are way more funny punch lines in the movie.

As the movie ended, there was an ending just like every other Marvel movies, their next enemy is Thanos, a brand new enemy. He is way powerful than The Avengers.

There’s going to be a second part to The Avengers, coming in 2014!

I guarantee you won’t be disppointed to watch The Avengers.

How far will people go to save one co-worker?

51-year-old Rob Nuckols jumped into a vat of nitric acid to save his co-worker who had fallen 40 feet.

This acid isn’t the acid you think it is, it’s still harmful but not the one that destroys your body so quickly.

This is truly one amazing hero who sacrificed his life to save his co-worker.

Not a lot of people would do that for a friend when working in the work force.

I believe many people would not know what to do like what Nuckols did for 44-year-old Davis.

None of the workers died in this tragic incident, although Davis suffered some critical damage.

His rib broke, punctured his lungs and got some burns in his legs and side.

As for Nuckols, he suffered only burns and got treated for it.

Nuckols is a hero and their needs to be more like him.

This is one story like other stories of amazing heroes who risk their lives to save another human being.

Something that hit me was when my friends and I were riding the bus and some black kids sat next to us. At that point, I knew there was going to be trouble.

So at first, it was okay, then one of the black guys started name calling us, we ignored it but he wouldn’t shut up and just kept rambling towards us. Its until a grown man in about his 30’s told the black kid to shut up or he was going to tell the bus driver.

The buses have rules where if someone messes with another passenger, he or she will be removed from the bus and would no longer be welcome. So the kid got scared and he just kept quiet to himself.

That’s where we realized that the man saved us because one of my friend’s was about to fight him and it could have gotten ugly.

But the man stepped in for us, a bunch of teenagers ingoring trouble, doing nothing, he saved us from starting a fight and also he was like a hero, nothing to big, but little by little, people also start realizing that it’s the little things that change big things.

Unlike super-heroes in cartoons, heroes exist in this world, without having super powers.

This is just the beginning of this world changing little by little.

Hero’s come in different forms from saving a child from getting hit by a car, from stopping bullying, risking their lives in nature disasters and much more.

::..::By Luis Pacheco::..::

My days are going much better(: Being a Medical Assistant is not easy! Its like you have someones life in your hands D: its pretty crazy! But I’m still learning!! Hopefully I get better!

I just got done doing 40 hours!! So that one whole week! That one week! IVE SEEN SOME STUFF!! Like crazy stuff!! I just did my first injection today! It was soooo cool! I finally got to do something besides vitals,UAs,Strep Throat test!!! The doctor is still an asshole but thankk godd my last day is May 23rd!!!

I don’t need to look back or see things to remember why I wouldn’t give you another chance. I remember how many times you have made me feel bad about myself, made me cry and made me feel more hurt by you then probably anyone else in my life.

I knew you would regret braking up with me, not because I think I’m a great person or anything but just because I know how you were and it was weird for you to brake up with me like you did. Or at least to me it was because of what I knew about you and how I thought you felt about me. I remember hoping you would feel bad and end up feeling as bad as you made me feel. I think maybe you have felt that bad now, you say things that make me think you have but, you are a liar so who knows what you really have felt.

I was never going to talk to you again and I was sticking to it but I don’t think never talking to you again would have worked. It hasn’t yet: you just keep on trying to talk to me, by making new facebooks and stuff. Talking to you doesn’t seem to get you to see things the way you should either though. You say you didn’t treat me like shit or lie, but come on we both know you did, and even when I bring up to you some of things that you have done you say yourself that it wasn’t treating me well. You say how at the end of the day I’m the one you think about and that you’re sorry and blah blah, but it’s to late for that. How many times have you said sorry and sweet talked me before? to many to count. Where have I gotten giving you chances? no where. I want to have a guy who will treat me WELL like you USE to do, or better yet, better than you have ever treated me.

I don’t understand you at all, I told you that you have no chance in hell and then you say “what about when I’m back in Cali?” hello?! I don’t care if you’re in my house, in Seattle, in CA, or on the moon.  I said no chance in HELL what part of that do you not get? I didn’t say “because you don’t live close anymore” I said no chance as in  NO CHANCE. Why would I give you another one, after all the ones I have given you that you have messed up? I have told you before “this is the last chance” and you mess that up.

You said something like “so you have no feelings for me anymore”

Its not about feelings anymore, I can’t let myself be with you again. 

As much as I wish things could work I know how you are and that it will end up the same as always. I don’t want to get hurt anymore by you and I don’t see why I would give you any more room to hurt me. 

I don’t get how when I told you, you are pissing people in my life off now by messing with me that you said how you’re not messing with me. I have told you to leave me alone so many times and you haven’t. You are messing with me by talking to me, duh!

And I don’t get why you act like I should be nice to you and be nice with what I say to you. “dang no way in hell” yeah no way in hell is what I said, so what? It’s the truth. Why should I have to or want to try to sugar coat things? After all you have done and said and made me feel. You told me no guy would want me and how you are going to go have sex with some girl and then tell me all about it. Maybe you did say you didn’t mean it after I blocked you and everything and you made a new facebook a while back, but so what you still said those things. I think you would do that and meant them when you said them. You say hurtful things and do things and then try to take them back later all the time with me. It still happened, you still said them and they still hurt me when you said them. How do I know if you didn’t mean them? I think at the time you were pissy for whatever reason and you did think about doing it. Saying no guy would want me because of (insert something I’m self conscious about) hurts me, because I do already think/feel that way.

Sometimes you just can’t take things back and that’s how it is. It also makes me feel insulted that you think I care about what you think I care about. If I did you would know and I wouldn’t be how I am.

Someone asked me if maybe you feel bad and that’s why you won’t leave me alone, maybe that’s it. But if so you should say SORRY and write why and whatnot before adding me or trying to talk to me like nothings wrong and like I should be ok to talk to you. Maybe you should act sorry and maybe you should have took the chances I gave you to show me you would treat me well and that you care. But you didn’t so I’m over it now and I’m just trying to think of how to get you to go away and leave me alone for good. Because I know if I gave you one more chance you would just mess up and hurt me, and I don’t feel like getting hurt anymore.

You will probably never read this because I’m most likely not going to send it to you. Every time I think that I have sent you something long after we broke up, telling you things, how I feel and what you have done to me, you just don’t write back, have blocked me for it (I don’t know why because after a while you try to talk to me again) and you probably don’t read any of the long messages I have sent. So I don’t see the reason in sending this. I maybe one day you will see this but that’s not why I wrote it, I wrote it to get my feelings out and for anyone to read that wants to/ maybe can give me some good advice.  

My first two days we’re not what I expected!! The first day I got there a half hour early! And hardly any patients came! Besides the Doctor wasnt there so we couldn’t see any if they did come! The other MA’S are training me to do front office so that’s good! My second day was all bad! The morning was super slow! And by noon a lot of patients were coming in! It was crazy!! I was the only one working! The other MA’s were on breal so it was just me! So I roomed them and did there vitals n stuff! Then the doctor ended up being held up in a meeting for an hour or longer! So I had to go tell the patients(I roomed 4 of them) they were not happy! They were yelling at me, cussing at me and calling me names! When they all finally left I went into the bathroom and cried for like 10mins! Then earlier on my second day I was doing back office and I guess the doctor was having a bad day and he took it out on me! He was yelling and me and everything! I went into the lab and cried!! I cried like 4 times yesterday(my second day) I had today off so hopefully tomorrows better! I already I want to quit :/